No One... can decide for me

Hey,

I'm sorry this post will be in English. I just need to write whatever I'm feeling and experiencing now. I hope I can get it out...

I haven't been writing in this blog and this shows how unstable I am to keep up with my commitments and promises. Last year, I started this blog because I was so inspired by reading other blogs around the Internet. Through my writing class, I got to do a final paper which became a blog. It was really nice to express my ideas into a blog. I felt so free to write what I want at the same time a little worried about my audience. Who is going to read this? What are they going to think? Do I need to be cautions about my ideas? Maybe someone my criticize my words or whatever. Those were my feeling when I was writing my blog for class (it's another one). I heard from one of my classmates who I cherished that people who write blogs do not have enough friends to talk to. But then I tried to explain to her that a blog can convey many types of message and it is one of the most wonderful tools of the Internet right now. It enables me to express myself and even though I don't know who is going to read this... I think it is not a a big deal anymore to me. There are so many things that I need to express and I end up forgetting because I'm always writing academic papers that constrains my creativity. I feel academic essays put me in a box in which I'm not allow to fully express my opinions. Anyways, this is not why I came here for today. I want to write something about decisions and knowing my heart...

So, this is what going on:

I'm going to have 2 months vacation before I go to study abroad in Japan. I departure from LAX on March 28th and stay in Japan until August 19th. After that, I will be going to Beijing/ China. I'm so excited for that. In fact, I'm nervous about Japan because my Japanese sucks at this point. I'm clueless about how am I going to speak Japanese. I really need to focus my effort to study more. I haven't pick up my Genki book in months. At the same time, I'm excited to live in Japan and really learn the culture of my grandparents and of my dad. Maybe understand a little bit more about myself, my identity. Who am I? Brazilian? Japanese? Japanese Brazilian? What the heck!!! Since I come here to SUA, I think I've been really confused about my identity. When I look myself at the mirror, I can really see my Japanese eyes, but most people get really surprised when they get to know that I'm half Japanese. They say WoW!!! I didn't know that!!! Your look more "Latina", Brazilian... whatever... I get frustrated because they can't see any Japanese features in my face. Ironically, I always wanted to resemble more as a Brazilian person. I'm also excited to go to China because the Olympics games will be taking place there. This is such a fortune to be able to go there.

Well, here comes the issue... I'm really confused because I don't know what decision to take in the next few days. I have to choices for my next two months:

First choice, I can go to Brazil to see my family, be close to the people I love the most, go to my cousin wedding which will be once in a lifetime opportunity, promote SUA to Brazilian students, do many SGI activities get inspired and refreshed for my study abroad, try to find an internship, and of course study some Japanese and go to carnival.

Or...

Second choice, I can stay here at SUA for two months to do an internship, work, study Japanese, get a driver license, deep my friendship with people that will be graduating, and most of all support Sensei's dreams to visit SUA.


What happened is my mom and my dad really want me to go back. I also miss them so much!!! Plus, I really want to be in my cousin wedding. We grow up together and seen her getting married means a lot to me and to her. Not that she will be mad at me, but I think it will mean a lot to her if I can attend her wedding. She has been preparing it for almost a year now. I can't believe that she's getting married.

What is stopping me from going is the voice in the back of my head that is saying to me: please make the right choice so that you won't have any regrets.

Today, I talked my WD leader and she encouraged me to really listen to my heart. In fact, she told me to chant so that I can really listen to my heart before making the decision. She said that it is really important to know what we want by knowing our heart. Moreover, she told to chant so that I can feel where is the best place to be in order to support my mentor's dream to come to SUA. Sensei turned 80 years old this year and she encouraged me to really seek how can I make the best cause so that he can come to the US. We cannot wait until he turn 83, 84, 86... It has to be soon. Finally, my leader said that once I make a decision with my heart there is no way that someone can change my mind and try to convince me to go to the opposite direction. I will be settled.

So, I haven't made any decision yet. Tomorrow, we will have a WD/YWD kick off meeting at the Kaikan and she encouraged me to attend. We need to seek ways to inspire our heart, find ways to get motivated and burst our energy.

Now, I know that I need to chant and make up my mind and I will. Maybe I can do both... who knows...

That's all for today